he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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