and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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