I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
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