my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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