your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Randomize
