You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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