so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
It's shark week go big or go home
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
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