Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
