o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
