i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Randomize
