the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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