I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
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