I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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