If you die in college, do you die in real life?
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Randomize
