I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
i barfeds in our rink
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
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