remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Randomize
