guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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