Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
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