I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
