So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
