that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
We don't watch enough power rangers
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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