Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
