Just fell off a train. Bad.
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
