i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
