Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
