I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Randomize
