I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
