My first STD was from a foam party
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
