I wish I could teleport
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
