Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Randomize
