my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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