My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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