ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize
