I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
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