I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
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