i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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