I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
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