i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
