I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
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