I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
