Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
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