My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
