cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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