I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Randomize
