The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
