So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
