It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
