If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
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