I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
