Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
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