how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
My underwear smells like fireworks.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
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