Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
