we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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