Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I intend to get homeless drunk
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
