and you said cock pushups were impossible
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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