i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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