I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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