you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
