Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Randomize
