Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Randomize
