upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
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